"Cthulhu," According to the Kabalarians

The stars are...dreadfully wrong? So it seems in Kabalarian Philosophy's database of names, under "Cthulhu." Of the interdimensional demi-god, the website has this to say to those unfortunate enough to carry the ominous name:

• Although the name Cthulhu creates the urge to be reliable and responsible, we emphasize that it frustrates you through a scattered and emotional nature.
  
• This name, when combined with the last name, can frustrate happiness, contentment, and success, as well as cause health weaknesses in the liver, bloodstream, and through worry and mental tension.

• As Cthulhu, you have a natural interest in the welfare of your fellow man, and a desire to help and serve others in a humanitarian way.
  
• You are responsible and generous, although somewhat scattering and disorganized at times.
  
• Any jobs requiring systematic and conscientious effort, or involving any form of drudgery, dismay you.
  
• In your work, you would seek a position offering self-expression through contact with people, such as sales or teaching, or a position giving scope to your creative, artistic talents.
  
• You are good-natured and likeable, and people tend to confide in you and seek your advice in personal problems.
  
• Others sense your sincere interest and desire to help, and you can always be counted on to see the bright side of any problem.

Good-natured? Reliable? A desire to serve others in a humanitarian way?! Maybe serve them for dinner. This is so far removed from the Cthulhu we all know that Lovecraft is probably chortling from beyond the grave. Humanitarianism is struck down in the dust, if it's even acknowledged, at the court of a cosmic deity oblivious to humanity.

Though this little name reading does raise an interesting question: has anybody out there ever been named Cthulhu? It's doubtful, but not impossible. Lovecraft has enjoyed a cult following for over seventy years now. Cthulhus of the world, now is your chance, speak out!

-Grim Blogger